Pseudo Love
COLLUSION
Presumed benefit: Pleasing loved ones/gaining their favor by satisfying their ego. Trying to make the relationship last by self-protectively avoiding confrontation.
Actual downside:
Hurting the beloved by supporting destructive tendencies (tendencies which only undermine the relationship in the long run).
MANIPULATION
Presumed benefit: Getting what I (selfishly) want by sweet-talking, coercion, guilt-tripping, etc. Exerting control and dominance over the beloved immorally.
Actual downside: Lack of genuineness and real connection. Hurting the beloved’s heart. Creating ill will, distance, and distrust.
MARTYRDOM
Presumed benefit: Seeming virtuous, loving, and self-sacrificing even while neglecting higher virtues of love (vulnerability, sensitivity, responsiveness, attentiveness, etc.)
Actual downside: A treadmill of fruitless effort with only exhaustion, disillusionment, alienation, and heartbreak to show for it.
UNHEALTHY ATTACHMENT
Presumed benefit: The “security” of owning the beloved exclusively. Satisfying or fulfilling selfish, addictive desires.
Actual downside: Harvesting the bitter fruit of jealousy, hyper- control, and insecurity. Losing sight of the beloved’s best interests and feelings.
UNHEALTHY OBSESSION
Presumed benefit: Reaping huge rewards by means of intense focus on an object of desire.
Actual downside: Destroying one’s peace, losing a sane and loving perspective, alienating people.
PLEASURE TREASURE
Presumed benefit: To be gratified and satisfied. To enjoy pleasure or some other ego-appealing treasure.
Actual downside: Suffering the pain and desolation caused to oneself and others by unlove and greedy, self-indulgent living.
SELFISH SELF- INTEREST
Presumed benefit: Getting what I want (even at the cost of real love).
Actual downside: Sacrificing the beloved’s best interests and good will. Sacrificing rightness & self-esteem.
SHALLOW AGAPE LOVE
Presumed benefit: Appearing loving and enjoying minimal connection with people while avoiding the bigger, more beneficial challenges of close relationship.
Actual downside: Shallow relationships. Loneliness. Being under-nourished and under-nourishing. Never gaining real competence in loving.
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